there never is a "black and white,"  at least not when involving myself.  everything always falls into that greyish area, where you can't really make a decision that you will be sure is the right thing to do when it comes to certain issues. don't get me wrong i'm not an indecisive person. i mean, i have my moments, but i just think that so many situations in my life fall into this foggy area leaving me to have to truly contemplate what is it i want, usually being leftwith an unsatisfied feeling. sometimes i do wish things could be more clear cut, but its always something complicated that makes you wonder, are you really making the right choice.

i don't know.

i want to be inspired.  it's so easily done, yet so rarely done.  i thrive off of it.. like the little things; things people say or do, that they may not have even realized made a difference-but to me, for some weird reason has.  i love that feeling, when you know that something you have done has made someone happy, even just for a second.  if i could make everyone happy i would... because as stupid as this sounds.. i get enough good feeling off of others happiness.. although happiness of my own is always amazing. 

and i am happy. purely happy. a couple of days ago i made the coolest realization and it's changed me for the better.. i think.  i realized that i don't need someone else to make me feel good.  for once i should be enough and to me.. i am.  i guess that quote "be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else" has always had this strong meaning in my heart. and i promise i'll always be myself no matter who i'm around.  this entry i guess is more for myself then anything else.  i hear people saying that you should control your feelings.. or censor what you say to make the other person feel more comfortable. but you know what? i refuse to do that.  it's not who i am. i love to talk to people and be able to say exactly whats in my heart and on my mind. and i love even more when they can actaully relate to me, or at least understand and even better.. just listen. and if any of you ever need me to just listen, i promise i will.  

it's funny because this weekend... i took out my old diaries.. like from 7th grade until 11th grade.  every good thing, bad thing, extremely stupid and embaressing thing that has ever happened to me was inside those books.  my mom always told me i'd appreciate them when i'm older.. and here it is, in some cases just a year later, and they made me smile just remembering how funny life can be.  this is hard to explain.. do you ever get that feeling, that when your in a moment.. a good moment when your perfectly happy and nothing in the world could be bad, and in the midst of this moment, you realize that this is something you need to remember. like you have to force yourself to appreciate it for however long it can last.. i love those, and hate those.  i always know when i have one, and hate knowing that in a minute or an hour or weeks or whatever it is.. it will eventually be over.. but on the other hand.. for that pure moment of time, nothing could go wrong. so i guess i live for those times. 

sometimes i just think... especially driving home from rhode island listening to amazing music.. i can think so clearly.  it's like we have purpose and reason.. we just have to figure that out for ourselves.. it's like our mission.  sometimes school frustrates me so much, because i know there are so many more important things that i could be doing. that may sound stupid but i just want to make change. i want to inspire people the way i've been inspired. i want to be free to do whatever makes me happy. which is not sitting in a school listening to mostly mindless souls blab on about a test that in the long run has no meaning whatsoever on my life.  i'm sorry, but these classes; they aren't who i am, and they don't make me a better person by going to them.  i guess it all just comes down to inspiration.

okay. enough for one night

thanks for listening if you did <3

peace.

so here's a quickie for ya. ;)

purely happy right now- i don't really know why, nothing has changed dramatically. i guess it's just a matter of how you see things? who knows. but it's a good feeling, and who doesn't like those.

actually a few really awesome things have happened since i last wrote.  saturday hung with the sis babysitting and we watched love actually and how to deal. completely amazing. please see both :) that is, if you love love stories. sunday we went christmas shopping but ended up just buying our own presents. (christmas... it's next friday!) not like you didn't know, it just made me smile to think that.  then my best friend called and asked if i wanted to work with her this week at the garguilo bakery (sorry if i butchered that).  it has been so much fun.  wrapping cookies and dancing to christmas music. what more could ya want:)  everyone's so nice there, and got to see sarah, who also works there. had a pedge teaching today, and that was a good time as well.   that's pretty much it.

i guess time for some homework that i really won't do.

can't wait till everyone's home<3

peacee

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please, tell me why do i care?